…He had a nervous smile while talking with the guys and finally made his way in. What he would say I had no way to prepare for..
I immediately prayed over what I would say. Though I had found perfect peace over the last couple of days, I felt an immediate rush of nerves in my tummy. I was pissed all over again, I was happy he was home but I was nervous about the answers I would get behind the milli questions I had. He walked in and I had nothing to say.
We just sat there. Then it all unlocked. “I cheated.” He blurted it out fast like he was spitting out hot food. I didn’t need the who/what/when of the situation. There was a plethora of evidence so I wasn’t largely surprised or effected. At this point, another female was the smallest of my problems. IF we were going to make it, I needed to focus only the root of the issues.
Why did he feel he needed to stay away for so long? What made him want to hang with his friends and coworkers day and night? What was the resolution? Most importantly, what was MY part in all of this? I was well aware of my nagging among other things lol but I always encouraged him to express his concerns also (BC who is perfect??).
But it was too late. He told me I intimidated him. He told me he had been miserable. THAT was devastating. We shared a lot of memories good and bad, I definitely wasn’t happy at the time but I wasn’t miserable. I hadn’t been contemplating leaving for any amount of time.
I wailed like I had lost my mother. I was tired. I was exhausted and stressed. I was lonely and had been for quite some time. Part of me understood that I would be fine after a while, the other part of me did not know how I would survive. The latter part sadly was dominate.
I cried in the living room, I cried in our bedroom til I fell to the floor. I can’t stress enough how TIRED I was. I spent so much time sacrificing my feelings for his own, turning my back on things he was doing to not ruffle feathers, to not lose him. I should’ve been the one claiming misery..packing bags! But I was willing.
He helped me up and laid me down. Trying to calm me, asking why I’d cried out so. He stayed with me, rested with me as a calm filled the air. That night we made love.
Mickey Thomas 